PT Cruisers
Drive one of these and you re basically PT crusin for a bruisin. Trying to recapture the flavor of the American Graffiti era (or a ZZ Top video), this wannabe retro ride looks more like a clown car worthy of PT Barnum. As Billy Joel once put it, the good old days weren t always good.


I don t know about you, but back in the day, cruising the Fairplain Plaza in my hometown was a sign we had pretty much given up. Cruising was not an activity to be remembered fondly; it was boredom in motion. Whether in a sweet-ass low-rider or a shitbox caboose, we were on a road to nowhere. Some still are.


A lot of rental agencies are handing out PT Cruisers to unsuspecting travelers. Slide those keys back across the counter, my sharp-dressed man, even if it means driving a crapass beater. Every time I spy one of these-usually in a pussy color like plum-I start to overheat. In a PT Loser, you re asking to get rear-ended, and not in a good way. If you insist on bopping around town in this moving violation, get ready for a head-on collision with my fist.


This abomination looks like the bizarre love child of a VW bug and mini-van. Natural selection will eventually weed these mutations out of the automotive food chain, but I m going to lend a helping hand. With a tire iron, I will wipe that stupid smile off the grill and hood. Since you're so effing sweet, I'm sure you won't mind if I pour some sugar in your gas tank. And now that you've made me so nostalgic, I'm going to unleash my inner bored teenager and plaster your exterior with a few dozen eggs. I've got eggs, and I know how to use them.